I recently heard a story about a man who was arrested for sexually assaulting multiple women at grocery stores. His method for target selection was to bump into women with his cart. If they apologized, he saw it as a sign of submissiveness and would follow them around the store making comments and advances that culminated in physical assault.
This case sheds light on predatory behavior and emphasizes how important it is for individuals, particularly women, to be aware of predatory tactics. It also highlights the ways that societal norms and pressure to be polite and accommodating can be exploited by predators so today I want to talk to you about People-Pleasing.
There is a problem in our society and it is that women are taught to be people pleasers, so we struggle to set and maintain boundaries, making it harder for us to say no and protect our time, energy, and resources.
What is People-Pleasing?
People-pleasing is the tendency to please others, even at your own expense. It’s a problem that I have and it’s something I’m really working to get over, but being a woman that has spent a good portion of my working life in the service industry, there is A LOT of conditioning to overcome, so I fail to hold back the compulsive “sorry” from escaping my lips pretty regularly.
I figured I’m not the only one who has this problem so I wanted to talk to you about how society conditions women to be people pleasers and how at best it makes you a doormat and at worst it makes you more vulnerable to manipulation by someone with bad intentions. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: A problem well understood is a problem half solved. So let’s talk about it.
What are some of the ways social conditioning is used to make women people pleasers?
From a young age, women are socialized to put the needs and desires of others before their own. We are taught to be nurturing and caring towards everyone we meet, even at the expense of our own needs or feelings. A good example of this socialized pressure is when a parent tells their child to give uncle so-and-so a hug or a kiss and then scolds or shames the child for being rude if they resist. This teaches the child that it doesn’t matter how they feel, the choice of what to do with their body is not theirs to make.
Another great example is every variation of this quote that I hate: “Smile at a stranger, you just might save a life.”
So now I’m supposed to be responsible for some “nice guy” snapping because I wasn’t a nurturing mommy figure to a complete stranger on the street? Eff that.
Being nice is generally a good social construct, but not at the expense of letting people walk all over us.
Gender stereotypes and how they play a role in women’s willingness and ability to put themselves first.
As women we are expected to be gentle, nurturing, and accommodating. These types of beliefs are perpetuated by stories fed to us since we were babies about damsels in distress, weak and helpless until a male hero came to her rescue. These stories teach us that assertiveness and directness is unfeminine and that instead, we should be soft, comforting, and meek.
The media also perpetuates this problem by using sexual violence as a plot device or a form of entertainment. An example is the HBO show Game of Thrones, where several female characters experience sexual assault and harassment. This reinforces that women exist for the enjoyment of men and that sexual violence is an acceptable means of gaining and maintaining control. The show has been criticized for its gratuitous and excessive depiction of sexual violence and contributes to the normalization and trivialization of sexual assault in our culture.
While it might be hard to see how these small examples can have a huge cultural impact, gender stereotypes can cause many problems in women's lives, including limiting their opportunities and choices, creating unrealistic expectations, and contributing to discrimination and harassment.
Am I a People-Pleaser?
So how can you tell if you are a people pleaser?
Is your self-esteem in the toilet? Maybe you are constantly putting others' needs before your own has led to a decreased sense of self-worth and confidence.
Does constantly accommodating others' wishes often leave you feeling stressed and anxious? You might be feeling emotionally and mentally exhausted, which leads to higher levels of stress and anxiety.
Or maybe you are used to managing while your needs and desires are constantly being overlooked and left unmet. Hyper-Focusing on others while neglecting your own needs and desires can leave us feeling unfulfilled or dissatisfied with life.
Do you feel like a doormat? Maybe your constant people-pleasing and prioritizing others' needs over your own has made you more susceptible to manipulation and abuse.
Do you apologize for stupid crap that isn’t your fault? When someone bumps into you, do you automatically say sorry? Isn’t it infuriating? Even being conscious of it, I still blurt out an apology for the dumbest little things that are not my fault and I hate it.
But why is it so hard to stop myself? I think for me it has a lot to do with being afraid to sound rude or make others feel uncomfortable.
If I am slightly suspicious about a man walking towards me, my people-pleasing tendency starts making excuses like
“I don’t want to embarrass him”
“I don’t want to look crazy”
“I’m probably being paranoid”
“I don’t want to be rude”
“What if I’m wrong?”
”He’s probably really nice"
“Be kind to strangers”
“I’m not going to make this guy feel like a creep, that would be so awkward”
The truth is that asserting yourself has a price just like backing down has a price, and that price is often being viewed as rude. But sitting in the awkward discomfort that might come as a result of you putting your foot down is a small price to pay for your safety and peace of mind.
Solution
Now that we understand how people pleasing can be such a burden, lets talk about techniques we can use to assert ourselves and set boundaries.
Practice saying no
One of the best ways to work on your tendency to people-please is to practice saying no. If it makes you more comfortable, make something up ahead of time to use as your excuse.
Here are some examples:
If someone tries to invite you to something happening soon, try “Sorry, I’ve got a zoom meeting with my mom, I can’t come to your party.”
If someone is asking too much of you, you could say something like “I’m feeling really burnt out, so I won’t be able to do this favor for you this time.”
If someone wants to buy you a drink that you don’t want, try my personal favorite: “no.”
Even though this one seems the simplest, it is actually the hardest one to pull out in real life because we always feel we need to follow it up with excuses, but I’m here to tell you that ‘No’ is a complete sentence and you don’t owe anyone an explanation or an excuse.
Focus on your own needs
Take time to focus on your own needs, desires, and feelings. Don’t want to go out because you’d rather watch Netflix with your cat? Great. Do that. Feel like binge-reading and getting really into gardening for six months? Want to be by your damn self for a while? Cool, you do you. It’s never wrong to reflect on what makes you feel happy and fulfilled and incorporate more of that into your routine.
Practice Assertiveness
Learn how to communicate assertively and directly with your words but also with your body language. Stand up straight, do not fidget, make eye contact, and avoid filler words such as ‘um’, ‘uh’, and ‘like’. Speak confidently and use language that is firm and clear without being disrespectful.
Practice standing up for yourself, even if it’s uncomfortable at first, it will get easier with time.
Willingness to Engage
Self-defense begins long before things get violent and the willingness to show up for yourself, to engage, to push through that discomfort, and to set boundaries is one of our first lines of defense against people who mean us harm in any way.
We must be willing to set boundaries AND enforce them when they are violated. This means that we must willing to confront someone who is treating us inappropriately or disrespectfully. This can be difficult and uncomfortable but it’s a small price to pay for respect.
Being willing to speak up and assert yourself means that you also need to be prepared to take action should action be needed. This could mean reporting someone's behavior to supervisors, seeking legal action, or physically defending yourself from danger. I created the Begin to RISE Self-defense course because I believe that women who know that they can defend their boundaries are more likely to set them in the first place. By focusing on the most common and dangerous threat scenarios, women learn practical, realistic, and applicable self-defense and boundary-setting skills that can be useful in all areas of their lives.
If you can relate to the struggles of people-pleasing and prioritizing others over yourself it’s time to take action. Start showing up for future and past you, and remember that setting boundaries is not selfish, it is necessary for self-care and self-preservation.
Shifting to prioritizing your own needs and setting healthy boundaries can be challenging, but it’s so worth it.
I hope you found this valuable and I wish you strength and courage in your boundary-setting adventures!
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